The Hag's Vacation
by Miz-KTakase
Summary: Our own Kikuko Hattori is beat. She needs a vacation, and all she wants is to lounge and relax in her own private room. Well, Kazuki has other plans for the Hag, as she is about to experience the worst vacation she may ever get... and she didn't even have to leave Mizaki City, anyways. Rated T.


**_(Narrated by Me)_**

* * *

A girl in long gray hair, wearing her white school uniform, was slouching in her beanbag, exhausted.

_Here we have the average everyday lazy girl. This is one of them, Miss Kikuko Hattori – Age: 117. Yes, she looks young, but don't let the look fool you. She is the perfect woman of tiredness and sloth. And it's beginning to show on her face._

Kikuko yawned, as her mouth opened widely and huge.

_Kikuko has toiled in Mizaki High School for 40 long weeks a year. And she wants to spend those remaining 12 weeks on a peaceful couch, lying in bliss, reading her manga, and listening to the radio. And as a matter of fact, Sloth has evolved into her body, and Kikuko's finally ready to get that nice long rest. And that's what Kazuki Araya, Kikuko's fellow student, objects to. While Kikuko is older than him, Kazuki does treat this elderly girl nicely._

Kazuki, a boy with brown hair, a white shirt and black pants, barked at her, "HAG!"

Kikuko stumbled down, as he protested, "Hag! How many times do I have to tell you not to slouch around? The others are waiting for you! And why are you NOT doing that?"

Kikuko huffed, "Lad, I'm beat."

"What are you even doing?"

"Vacation."

"Vacation?!" He asked, "Why you, vacation, all of a sudden?"

"Masatoki said take two months. That's what I need to do. Besides, I don't need any of you ladies to push around for my teachings! Me, in me private room, eating snacks, watching summer's best anime, and lying on my relaxing bed… This is the life."

"Oh, no, you're not." Kazuki protested, "My former teacher's not going to live her soon-to-be expiring life, living in the school! YOU'RE going on vacation with us! The girls have planned a special beach camp, and it's all-girls ONLY, so I'm stuck with you."

"That's fine, lad. Two months of training, while I relax in my nice hammock, in the forest."

"Oh, no, you don't! For once, I'd like a peaceful vacation, until Akari & Enju change their minds! We're going to have a _real _peaceful vacation. And don't say that we cannot afford it."

"Well, we can't afford it, anyways. Enju banned me from taking anymore club funds, from any of the school clubs, especially the Ninja Seeking Club. Besides, you ever heard of _inflation_?"

"Inflation… I don't even know what the word means, and neither is half the student body! And besides, we can use our stash."

Kikuko sat up and roared, "OUT OF THE QUESTION! I refuse to spend my hard-earned money on a vacation! I saved up so much money to get what I want, and I'm gonna start now!"

Kazuki held up an ad, "Well, maybe this will help." He read the ad, "_Taking a vacation? Let us plan your vacation. You rest – We do the work. Stop by for our FREE Brochure_."

"FREE?"

"Yes, that's what it says."

Kikuko offered, "Okay, lad. You go get the FREE brochure, while I wait."

Kazuki grabbed her and barked, "Oh, no, you don't, Hag! You're going, and that's final!"

"UNHAND ME!" Kikuko barked, as she broke free. "I don't care if it's FREE, and I don't care about any brochure! I'M NOT GOING!"

"Then I'll invite Enju to take you with."

"She already knows."

"Then I'll invite the principal."

"He gave me the okay."

"Zina?"

"You're beaten, lad!"

"Fine. Then I'll give the phone call to Sakurako!"

Kikuko gulped, as she whispered, "Sakurako?"

"Yes, you can have your vacation in Sakurako's home. She'll come visit you and haze at you for sipping training for blacksmithing. I mean, you never bothered to call her, have you?"

Kikuko grumbled, "Bloody little fink…"

He shoved Kikuko out and said, "Now you go and get that brochure, and I'll tell Principal Kuzuryu that we'll have our vacation in the mountains or the seashore."

"I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE MOUNTAINS OR THE SEASHORE! All I wanted was to relax in my room and watch anime! I'm tired!"

"HAG!"

"If you pester me more, boy, I'll-!"

"Call Sakurako?"

Kikuko shivered, and then gave up. She grumbled, "Fine, you win. But this vacation better be good."

She marched off, as she went to get her brochure.

* * *

That afternoon, a man in brown spiky hair, in a blue suit, was at the desk, as Kikuko, dressed in a black casual attire, walked in. He called, "Excuse me, Miss?"

She nodded, as he said, "My name is Lan. Is there something you need help with?"

Kikuko said, "Yes, my friend wanted to go on vacation, and I'd like that FREE brochure."

"OH! Are you going on vacation?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact… but I plan to spend most of it in school. Long story."

Lan gave Kikuko the brochure and said, "Here you are. Here's our _Vacation Planning Service _brochure. Shows you all the smart places to go."

"Oh, thank you."

He stopped her, and then asked, "Just a moment, do you have a flashlight?"

"Flashlight? No. Why?"

Lan said, "Well, you can't read your brochure, without a flashlight." He gave her a flashlight and said, "Here you are. Supposed you want to go to the wilderness, in the dark, without a flashlight? Well, this handy-dandy flashlight is yours, and only 500 Yen."

"Oh, okay." She paid for the flashlight and left.

But Lan called, "Just a moment, young lady! Just one moment." She returned, as he said, "Suppose you are in the wilderness, in the dark, reading our brochure, using our flashlight… and it's raining?"

"Raining?"

"Yes. You don't want to get wet, do you?"

"Well, not to catch a cold, either. But I'm fine, since my room's underground."

"Not a chance. What about leaks, indoors? Suppose you live in your domicile, and there are leaks in the ceiling, while you read your brochure? Hang on, I shall call in an expert."

Lan called to a woman in long brown hair, in a blue blouse and skirt, "Excuse me, Miss Mikage."

The girl turned to Kikuko and smiled, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

Lan said, "This young lady wants to know what you recommend, reading our brochure, in the dark, while raining?"

Subaru looked at her, and said, "Well, I see the one eye. Let me guess… You are playing _Long John Silver_!"

Kikuko asked, "Long John Silver?"

Subaru said, "Well, you're a pirate, you know?"

Kikuko barked, "NO, I am NOT a pirate!"

Subaru asked, "Then why the eyepatch?"

Kikuko complained, "I'm not-! Look, can you please give me something like an umbrella, when I want to read the brochure, if it gets too wet out?"

Subaru said, as she held up a raincoat, "_Well_~, you came just in the right place, little lady. For only 1,250 Yen, you can have this beautiful raincoat, waterproof and elastic."

Kikuko was putting in on, as she said, "I don't want a raincoat, I have one like that."

Lan said, "Not _this _raincoat. It lasts forever."

Kikuko asked, "Forever?"

Subaru said, "Yes. Fifty years, to be exact. One size fits all, you know."

Kikuko complained, "Now look, it doesn't usually rain in the summertime! Why would I want a raincoat?"

Subaru barked, "HOLD STILL! I won't fit you well, if you hold still, you know!"

"What? You want me to pose like a mannequin?"

"NO, the last time a customer squirmed, he wore the raincoat _backwards_."

Subaru finished, as she said to Kikuko, wearing the raincoat and hat, "There. Now doesn't that look fetching? Lucky girl gets to sing _Singing in the Rain_, in style, you know."

Kikuko huffed, "1,250?"

"1,250. Will you have it packed in a bag?"

"No, I'll _wear it_ home. Gimme my brochure."

She paid for the raincoat, as she kept it on her. Lan instructed, "Now, before you go, you wouldn't go on vacation, without the most indispensable item, now would you?"

"Indispensable item?"

Lan showed her the huge green tent and said, "Yes. This is our huge tent, perfect to last long in the harsh weathers."

"Then why did I wear the raincoat? Why would I even need a teepee, like that?"

"Well, you need to read it, in case you don't get caught in the rain… especially in this ridiculous outfit, reading our brochure, in the rain!"

Kikuko huffed, "Okay, this is ridiculous. I don't need anything."

Lan said, "Oh, one other thing, you need a LOT MORE than a tent. We're living in the future, now, since we're working hard to create a proper and delicate campsite simulation."

He clapped his hands, and called out, "Mr. Hikawa, Mr. Stelar, stations. Please give the items to our dear lady friend."

Kikuko cried, "Now wait a minute-!"

He called out, as two men in suits brought items, "Now… You need a cooking stove with propane tank…"  
"Stove!" a man in spiky hair called.  
"…battery-powered lantern light…"  
"Lantern!" a boy in brown hair said.  
"…soft durable sleeping bag…"  
"Sleeping bag!"  
"…fishing tackle…"  
"Fishing tackle!"  
"Two-cylinder hunting shotgun…"  
"Shotgun!"  
"Tennis racket…"  
"Tennis racket!"  
"Polo pole."  
"Polo pole!"  
"Billiard Balls!"  
"Billiard balls!"

Kikuko was handed every item she was given, as she was pleading that she doesn't want any of the items. Lan continued, "And finally, _this week's special_, for this week only… You'll need a trusty boat! Gentlemen!"

Geo & Tory grabbed Kikuko and carried her to the canoe, as she pleaded, "HEY-HEY! UNHAND ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Lan showed her to the canoe, "Our jet-propelled canoe, for only 6,000 Yen!"

She was thrown into the canoe, as she pleaded, "All I wanted was the brochure! I wanna enjoy my vacation in my private room, indoors!"

Lan called, as the boys and Subaru started to lift the canoe and tilt it around, "Now, imagine yourself in the rapids, treading through the waters! Be careful on that curve, or you'll capside!"

The boys tilted to the right, and Kikuko fell onto a raft. Lan pouted, "Aw, your canoe turned over. But never bother, you have this beautiful life-saving raft, automatically inflates for emergency. ONLY 4,750. You have nothing to worry about."

Kikuko sobbed, "All I wanted was to read manga and relax!"

Lan said, giving her a pen, "And for absolutely free of the purchase, at a 450 Yen value, you can have this beautiful ballpoint pen."

Kikuko cried, "What would I want this pen for?"

Lan instructed, "Well, you need to make out your will, if you are stranded in the ocean, or if the life raft doesn't open. And it writes underwater, too. Here… Demonstrate."

Kikuko started to write in a bucket of water, and gave the soaked paper to Lan. He gave it to Geo and said, "Here. Have it dried off and send it to credit manager."

Kikuko sat up and groaned, "Please, is that it?"

Lan said, "No, that's all. I believe that's everything. And OH, yes, you have a guide, don't you?"

Kikuko gasped, "WHAT guide?"

Lan gasped, "NO GUIDE?!"

The others gasped, "NO GUIDE?!"

They all cried out, "FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!"

A tall woman in brown hair and a black suit, with a black and red half-mask, appeared. Lan said, "This is Fame, she is your Indian Guide, Miss Hattori."

"Indian Guide?"

Lan said, "Oh, yes. She has been through hellfire and brimstone, Miss Hattori, and even learned how to speak in Indian."

Kikuko huffed, "Oh? She says that she learns Indian?"

Fame spoke, "Ugh."

Kikuko huffed, "That's all? All she says is _ugh_."

Lan said, "No, actually, she speaks in clearer words. Fame, please speak."

Fame huffed, "Oh brother."

Kikuko whined, "What? What kind of Indian is she?"

Fame said to Kikuko, "Me Cleveland Indian."

Kikuko groaned, "Alright, fine. I'll take Fame. I'll take the canoe, the tent, the golf clubs, the fishing tackle, and all that in-between. Send it in care of Mizaki School, care of Masatoki Kuzuryu. Bring everything here at 7am, tomorrow morning."

She grabbed the shotgun and aimed at the boys, and roared, "**BUT! **Not another thing, you understand?" She was getting riled up, as she was offered so many items, and she's spending LOTS of money on it, "Everyone, stay where you are! I don't want another thing more! NOT ANOTHER ITEM! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE! And don't try to follow me!"

She dashed off, but Lan chased after her and cried, "OH, NO YOU DON'T!"

He tackled her down, as she moaned. She sobbed, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Lan gave her the brochure, "Miss Hattori, you forgot your FREE brochure! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Kikuko wept, as she was annoyed. But at least her vacation is now prepared.

* * *

_And so, Kikuko, Kazuki, and their guide, Fame, head off to a nice vacation spot, somewhere in Japan. Driving down a vehicle, with a trailer full of the essential items for camping, our happy travelers arrive at the fork in the road._

The car stopped, as Kikuko was driving the car. He asked, "Hag, since when did you learn to drive?"

Kikuko said, "I had my license renewed, and even lied about my age. I'm a handsome Loli of 17, no?"

"No! I mean, yes. I mean-, HOW DO I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?"

"I'm old enough to be your great-grandmother!"

She looked at the sign and said, "Well, from the sign on the ground, we're 96 miles to our destination."

He said, "Let's ask Fame." He asked her, "Excuse me, Fame, which way should we go?"

Fame examined the land, held her finger up, and responded, "Me recommend Google Maps."

Kazuki huffed, "Some Indian Guide. I don't know why we wanted an Indian Guide for, anyways."

"Lad, she does not know the way of our land, but she knows when we're not lost."

"Well, she doesn't even _look _Indian. She looks like a Yokai from Hell!"

Fame shrugged her shoulders and huffed, "Ugh!"

Kikuko sighed, "So, we're lost, are we? All I wanted is to go in my private room and relax."

He stated, "What, and miss the outdoors? Last summer, you were sick with jellyfish chocolate, laced with poison! I'm not going to let an ageless hag stay grounded!"

He lifted the sign and said, "Besides, if I were an Indian Guide, I'd examine the land and know which way to go."

He readjusted the sign and said, "If I know where I am, I remember which way I came from, to the city that I came from. _Mizaki City… _There!"

He pointed to his right and said, "This way!"

Kikuko pondered, and said, "He's right." She argued at Fame, "_Indian Guide_… YOU'RE A GREAT HELP! You let a Boy Scout guide us for help! YOU SHOULDN'T BE A REDSKIN, YOU SHOULD BE A COWBOY OR A GIANT!"

Fame shuddered, as Kazuki scolded, "HAG! Shame on you! You made her cry! She was trying to help!" He comforted her, "Even women scary as her have feelings, too! Come on, Fame. The Old Hag is just ornery."

Kikuko went back to the car, as she pouted, "Why did I even come here, in the first place?"

They drove away, as they headed off to their destination.

* * *

_And so, our happy campers arrive at their peaceful campsite. Kikuko has plans for her day, along with Kazuki and Fame._

Kazuki was unpacking, as Kikuko was setting up the fire. Kikuko said, "You know what, lad, this camping thing isn't a good idea. But I think I needed the great outdoors, rather than _you _chasing bikinis."

He said, "I was doing it for your own good, Hag. You needed the fresh air."

She smiled, "And it did. I think I like the fresh air."

Suddenly, a female ranger, in green and brown, with long pink hair, was walking to the campsite and waved to them, "Hello, folks! Welcome to _Pike Crest_. Sure you like the place here?"

Kikuko smiled, "Just fine, ma'am."

The ranger said, "Of course, I'm going to have to cite you for violating regulations."

He asked, "Regulations?"

The ranger said, "Yep. For starters, NO campfires. You don't want to make Smokey the Bear cry, do you?"

Kikuko huffed, "I guess not…"

Kazuki said, "Don't worry, hag. You brought a propane stove, but I brought myself a battery-powered hotplate. Hope it helps. Didn't forget a thing."

The female ranger said, "Oh! And I see you there, young man. You have a name?"

"Kazuki Araya. This is my hag… The bitty."

"Cut it out." Kikuko puffed.

The ranger said, "Very well, Mr. Araya, it's nice that you brought your lady friend here camping." She examined the trailer and said, "Ah, I see you brought some fishing tackle. Perfect to make homemade fresh forest-made sushi! That's terrific! Even so, some of the fish here are scarce, but most of the fish are too inedible. OH! And also… _NO fishing._"

"NO fishing?"

"NO fishing."

"That's a shame."

The ranger grabbed a rifle and said, "Oh, and I see you got firearm."

"Yes, but I told the hag that she's not allowed to use it, EVER! Besides, she's got no hunting license."

"Of course not. You'd be able to shoot a bear or a deer, miles away. Even so… _NO hunting_."

"NO hunting?"

"NO hunting. What else you got?"

Kazuki showed a canoe. The ranger smiled, "Beautiful! And you even have it fit for four people, riding the rapids! Of course, summer waters are mighty wild, this season, especially monsoon season. But it doesn't mat-."

He barked, "I know, I know! _NO boating._"

The ranger winked, "Bingo! _Boating IS verboten_!"

He complained, "Well, this is a fine mess! We can't fish, we can't eat, we can't hunt, we can't even build a fire! Is there _anything _we _can _do in this campsite?"

The ranger said, holding a rulebook, "Well, I'll be glad to see if there's anything I can allow. We haven't had campers in years. Now, lemme see… _NO fishing, NO hunting, NO boating, NO campfires… _What else… OH! Here we go. _NO tents… NO radios… NO staying up after dark… _Lots of spooky stuff at night… _NO pets… _and, uh… _NO demons from hell._"

Fame huffed, "Phooey!"

Kikuko whined, "Well, I never! We can't stay here, if we do NOTHING of the sort!"

The ranger said, "Well, it's not my problem. I suggest you pack up and leave… I hope I didn't cause you any trouble. Even if you stayed, you're not allowed in this allotted area. There's another campsite, miles from here. Just be careful how you treat Mother Nature."

She walked off, as she winked, "Shrewd little business woman, am I?"

* * *

_At last, our intrepid campers finally found the perfect vacation getaway, and everyone's happy._

Fame was fishing in the streams, with the fishing pole…  
_And with it, everyone is enjoying it. The angler…_

Kazuki was hunting in the woods, kunai in hand…  
_The hunter…_

And Kikuko is relaxing in a hammock, reading a manga, and with a small cooler of snacks by her side.  
_And the athlete. Kikuko has finally found her peace and solitude that she deserves. And what's more, she can finally read her manga, with no interruptions. Sure, it cost her 25,000 Yen, and had to come over 9,000 miles, but she got her hammock, her radio, her snacks, and her favorite manga she reads._

She finished her manga and relaxed, "That was a great book…"

She then read the page and said, "_New issue coming in… Oh…_ That is next week. And it comes with a limited edition figurine…" She then panicked, "Figurine?! And I'm out here for a week or so! I'm out, nine thousand miles, and NO internet, NO phone, NO contacts!"

She sighed, as she muttered, giving up, "Oh, well… I wonder is Nanao remembers…"

And thus, Kikuko enjoyed the rest of her vacation, in much disdain, without her proper tools she wants. She forgot that there is NO online connection in the great outdoors.

* * *

**_Thanks for Reading!_**


End file.
